Why I Would Be A Terrible Self Insert
by Lucio BetaBlake
Summary: WARNING! MAY HAVE OFFENSIVE HUMOR! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! People write SI all the time. Especially in ecchi fandoms. Probably for the harems. The point is they tend to be serious and are all "this is how I would change stuff!". But then along comes a certain shitty author who wonders "how well would I do in that situation?" The answer? ...I ain't telling you! Read it! Godamn brats.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own High School DxD**

 _Chapter One: The Idiot Debuts!_

It was a beautiful day at Kuoh. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, the wind was a comfortable breeze, lovers were out on dates, and all was well. It was truly a perfect day.

" _Fucking cock sucking whore! Is this some kind of motherfucking joke!?"_

Well, almost all was well. The source of this vulgar exclamation was a skinny, coffee-colored, teenager. The irate teenager seemed to be disturbing the peace, and had mothers cover their innocent children's ears and ushered them away from the area as the teenager continued his verbal onslaught on peace and tranquility.

"Mommy, what's happening?"

"Not now Tyrone!"

" _This isn't fucking funny you camel fucking sons of bitches! Come fucking get me already!"_

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you stop and come with me."

"Oh thank God! It's the police!"

"Officer please help us!" The obviously deranged teenager's eye twitched and he opened his mouth as if to reply.

" _Everyone better fucking stop speaking in Japanese before I Nagasaki this shithole!"_

"It's a terrorist! Arrest him!" The noble, brave, and courageous officers then proceeded to tackle the psychotic teenager to the ground and as soon as they arrested him, the crowd began to wildly exclaim praise for the police.

"We're saved!"

"Thank you police officers!"

"Iyaa!~ Police Officers-sama are the best!~"

" _What the fuck is this shit!?"_

 ___ (~.~) (~.~) _

 _3 Hours Later in the Kuoh Police Station…_

A figure darts from shadow to shadow. No, it would be more apt to say a creature that belonged to the shadows was traversing the hallways. As this otherworldly creature began inching its way to the exit of the police station, a hand shoots out of nowhere and clamps down on its shoulders! Light streams in as the identity of the creature is revealed! With his black wavy hair that was so messy that it appeared curly, suntanned skin, light brown eyes, semi-thick glasses, scrawny build, and face stuck in pure terror it was… the insane teenager from before!

"What are you doing here Mr. I-Caused-a-Mass-Panic? Surely not leaving before apologizing to the world…"

"O-of course not! I was just trying to get some fresh air, you know? The air here is so stale, and I just need a little pick me up!" The teen let out a nervous chuckle.

"Oh you don't need to do that! We have coffee here, you know?" The person who had a firm hold on the teen was a police officer who appeared to be in her early twenties. With long silky dark blue hair, a beautiful face, a body that her uniform can barely restrain, and the the voice of a goddess it's none other than the beautiful police officer Yume Suzuki! With a smile that was meant to be coy, but only looked predatory officer Suzuki lifts the teen by his collar and (while ignoring the strangled noise of his choking) with deceptive ease drapes him on her shoulders.

"C'mon now, don't you want to explain to the world how _everything_ that happened here was _completely your fault?"_ The teen in question gulped.

"L-let's not be unreasonable here-"

"And you _still_ haven't told us your name! At this rate I might just assign you a name and be done with it, you know?"

"Hey, I'm not some experiment!" The unnamed person yelped.

"I kind of like the sound of Slave, what about you?"

" _How are you even a police officer!?"_

"You can't expect a lady to just give away all her secrets like that, you know?" Suzuki demurred.

"A lady? All I see is some fat, ugly old hag that'll never get married!"

" _What'd you say!?"_

" _Bitch did I stutter!?"_

Meanwhile, the rest of the police officers were drinking coffee and casually conversing while watching the show unfolding.

"Man, I can't believe we thought that kid was a terrorist." _CRASH_

"To be fair, he did threaten to nuke us." _BAM_

"Oh yeah…" _SLURP_

"Kind of funny he didn't even know where he was."

"Kids nowadays, falling asleep in one continent and waking up in another continent." One of the officers scoffed.

"Oh hey, she's trying to shoot him."

"Man, that kid is good at running."

" _What the hell is wrong with you people!? Some crazy bitch is trying to shoot me and you're just watching!"_

" _If you stand still it'll all be over!"_

" _Go to hell hag!"_

" _You first!" PEWPEWPEWPEWPEW_

" _What the fuck!? I thought machine guns weren't allowed in Japan!"_

" _It's fine as long as there's no witness!"_

"We should probably do something, shouldn't we?"

"Well… technically it _is_ our job." One officer unsurely replied.

"Oh look. She ran out of ammo."

"Yet again another job well done." The rest of the officers slurped in agreement.

 _Omake- The Interrogation!_

"Wake up!" _SMACK_

"What the hell was that for!? I was already awake!" _SMACK_

"Listen here! You will listen to my questions and you _will_ answer them or I will make you _suffer_ , understand?"

"Yes ma'am! …Wait. You know English?" _PUNCH_

"Did I give you permission to ask me a question!?"

" _Jesus Christ I think I lost a tooth!" SUPLEX_

" _Holy shit my everything hurts!_ Okay! Stop! I'll cooperate okay! Just _please_ stop hurting me!"

"Good. Now, where are the nukes?"

"…Huh?" _TAZER CRACKLES MENACINGLY_

" _Holy shit!_ I'm serious here; I have no idea what you're talking about, honestly!"

"…Are you saying you _aren't_ going to nuke this city?"

" _Who told you that!?"_

"You did."

"…What."

"You said you were going to, and I quote 'Nagasaki this shithole'."

"…I didn't mean I was actually going to do that."

"…What."

"This is kind of embarrassing, but… my temper got the better of me and I said some things I shouldn't have."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Where am I anyways?"

"You're in Japan."

"…What?"

"Yup."

"How?"

"How should I know kid?" Suzuki shrugs.

"…What town am I in?" Our ever so amazing protagonist says.

"Kuoh."

"Kuoh? That sounds familia-"

"Huh? Kid why is your face pale?"

" _ **FUCKING BULLSHIT!"**_

 **Author Notes: Hello there! So, as you can see this is a new story. Don't worry; I don't plan on abandoning my other fic. Well, it's not like people care either way *self-depreciating laughter*. It's just writers block and real life kicking me in the balls. Not sure if I made it obvious enough, but this is an SI fic. Except, well, no reincarnation. Oh yeah, it's also a comedy. It's basically me poking fun at a little bit of everything. Oh and just in case you haven't realized it yet, this will have some** **extremely offensive humor** **. Like, I'm serious. If you believe in being politically correct 24/7 or whatever, DO NOT READ THIS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

 **Anyways, I want to hear what you guys think. Leave a review, and should I keep doing this or try to squeeze out another chapter of Just Another Reincarnation?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own High School DxD**

 _Chapter Two: How to Name for Idiots_

"Bob? No, that's terrible. Vedic? Sounds like a dick joke…"

Inside an infamous police station was a rather familiar teenager pacing around in an interrogation room, which for some reason had a futon and couch.

"Neseg? …Nah, that sounds like I'm always horny. Only a complete _loser_ would have a name like that!"

"I'm almost a little afraid to ask but…what are you doing?"

"Gah! Don't startle me woman!"

"…Right, because this is your _man cave._ " The source of the voice, which so _unreasonably_ interrupted what, was probably the greatest moment she'd ever witness in her life was none other than police officer Yume Suzuki!

"Uhh… _duh._ "

"Listen kid, you've been a pain in my incredible ass since day one. First, you cause a panic and lead everyone to believe you're a nuclear terrorist, and then you tried to ditch me so I would take the blame for that _disaster,_ and after _that_ you threatened to… ejaculate onto the podium during the press conference! And for some reason you won't tell us your name, where you're from!"

"Okay, first off that wasn't my fault! I'm a victim of circumstance! And secondly, you also did cause emotional trauma, you know?! You had to take responsibility _somehow._ And you know how I feel when everyone speaks to me in a foreign language! And that's not true! I told you I was from the United States!"

"What are you talking about? You never told us that!"

"…I didn't?"

"No. No you didn't."

"Huh. It must've slipped my mind. Well, I did it now so isn't it fine?"

"…"

"…What? _Ohgodno-_ " _PEWPEWPEWPEW_

" _It's not fine! What kind of fucking moron are you!?"_

" _How_ _is shooting me with a gun going to help!?"_

" _There'd be one less idiot ruining the gene pool!"_

" _Where is your fucking therapist lady!?"_

 _"You'll be meeting him soon in Hell!"_

 _"Holy-!"_

"Oh hey, Yume's shooting at him again."

"Again? Where does she get all that energy from?"

"Come to think of it, how are we going to fix up the precinct? We're under budget already."

"The wisdom of tomorrow shall provide us the answers." _SWISH_

" _Hold still! It'll be over quick!"_

" _A sword!? Are you fucking kidding me?! Where do you even get all these weapons from!? Do you have a hammer space in your fucking vagina or something!?_

"Who gave Yume her sword back?" _SLURP_

"Wasn't it you?" As if vaguely offended by the notion, the officer in question turned his head to gaze into his accuser's beautiful periwinkle eyes

"Really? Dude I think I'd remember that."

"Not if it was in the morning." The officer then opened his mouth as if he was going to defend what little left remained of his honor, and then closed his mouth and shrugged.

"On the bright side, at least he's getting exercise, I mean, even _we're_ inbetter shape than him."

"Yeah…"

" _Fuck this city and everything it stands for!"_

"Ah, to be young again…"

" _If I die I'm going to haunt your ass so bad, not even Jesus is going to try to stop it!"_

"You know, I just thought of an amazing name for this kid." Heads turned in interest as the unnamed youth was finally receiving a name that they would never remember.

The police officer took a loud dramatic slurp of his coffee and then announced the name, which would christen our protagonist.

"Zoku Hakuchi." The officers slowly blinked as they processed the name, and then began to laugh uncontrollably.

"Oh god, that _is_ a perfect name! Quick, forge some papers so we can make it permanent!"

"It's already done; he'll never escape this name in his entire life."

" _If you have the time to give me a name, then save my life!"_

The officers pretended they didn't hear Zoku's plea for help as they chuckled over their wit.

" _I got you now~"_

The world rolled its eyes and ignored the whimper of a certain recently named individual and went on with its merry way. _Because real men don't whimper. We groan._

 **Author's Notes: I actually don't really like how this chapter turned out, because I kind of feel like it feels forced. Do you feel that too? Also, I plan on doing a time skip because I keep getting ideas for later down the line but none really for this time frame. Also, no omake this time because I had trouble enough with this chapter. I have no idea how others keep a regular schedule. Well, besides the fact that THEY AREN'T HUMAN! Anyways, I might just say fuck you to chronological order and just post whatever. Thank Pizza Hut, All That Remains, my imagination, and life in general for getting this chapter out. Or blame them. Don't matter. Oh and remember I don't mean to offend, everything is done for lulz.**

 **Also, who here plays Dark Souls? I've spent waaay too much time avoiding the Road of Sacrifice. And it only gets worse from here…**

 **Oh, and Zoku Hakuchi is supposed to mean Vulgar Idiot, but I used Google Translate for that soo…**

 **Anyways, I think I covered everything. Bye~**

 **I kid, I kid. I know this AN is getting out of control, but I just want to thank everyone who favorited, followed, and reviewed my fanfic. It felt AMAZING whenever my phone had a seizure and notified me that some retar- I mean, _amazing individual_ followed/favorited. Hell, a lot of people did both. Some people even followed and favorited ME. Don't know what bet you lost for _that_ to happen, but I ain't complaining. And last but not least, my reviewers. What reviews I do have are all overwhelmingly positive and really make my day. _Thank you_ _._**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own High School DxD**

 _Chapter Three: The Internet Versus the Idiot_

"Jeez, these guys are pretty stupid, huh? Well it's that or they're just that desperate."

It was a hellish couple of months, learning Japanese. The officer, Suzuki, had _politely asked_ (ordered at gunpoint) a colleague by the name of Namida to teach young Hakuchi Zoku. Now the young man was able to speak Japanese, although he still couldn't read it. He was also now the kind of proud owner of several traumatic memories. And some new phobias.

Nowadays he was 'living' (for lack of a better term) in the interrogation room they'd first stuck him in. How the police were allowed to do that he had no idea, but he didn't really give a shit either way. It did make it a little awkward to masturbate but he had _needs_ god damnit.

After much pestering (AKA, whining of boredom) they also gave him a laptop to make him shut up. And so, mustering all the wisdom he had, he came to the conclusion that the best thing he could do with this time was to… pretend he was Officer Suzuki Yume and tease horny old guys on the internet with photoshopped pictures of her. But it wasn't just for him! Oh no! He was a much better person than that! He charged them money per photo under the excuse that he needed money to…do something. He may or may not have forgotten exactly what excuse he'd given himself, but he never forgot that it was for a good cause and that was what truly mattered!

Pfft, right. Lying to yourself is bad. He just wanted to mess with Suzuki-tan-san-man. Oh and earn some money off of it too. Zoku figured he deserved it from all the times she tried to put a bullet through him.

"Oi! Shitstain! I need you to get out of here-!" _SLAM_

"Were you watching porn again?" The officer deadpanned.

"Err… sure? Yeah, let's go with that," the young protagonist chuckled nervously.

"...Is it even possible to be that bad at lying?"

"Is it even possible to mistake a lost child for a terrorist? _Oh wait."_

"Is it even possible for a snot-nosed brat to wake up in a different continent and then proceed to cause a mass panic? _Oh wait._ "

"Apparently, because that's what happened, or are you going senile with old age?"

Next to the woman in question was a man. He was fairly tall for a Japanese person (meaning he wasn't a midget), wearing a slightly dirty white t-shirt and baggy shorts and had tattoos peeking out of his attire. "Hey isn't that the kid who-?"

"Yes."  
 _"Yes."_

"And he's living in a interrogatio-"

Zoku held a hand up. "Do you honestly want me to answer that question?" he asked rhetorically, before turning to Suzuki, "And look at you! You're finally bringing a guy home? I knew you could do it. And to think all I needed to was to send a couple of photos."

The officer's eyebrow twitched. "He's a suspect in a case, smartass, and I need to interrogate hi- _what did you just say!?"_

"...I'm sorry and I won't ever do it again?" Suzuki's firearm was in her hand within a second.

" _Run for your lives! The bitch is unleashed!"_ The ever so lucky (possible) criminal had the chance to witness a police officer get insulted by a civilian, who'd apparently sent out compromising pictures of the admittedly gorgeous police officer in question and was now running for his life while the officer did her best to kill him.

"...I think I'll just confess, now."

…

"Worth it," Zoku declared with certainty, sitting outside the station. He was now the proud owner of a black eye and newfound knowledge that Officer Suzuki didn't care about the human biology, if she wanted that limb to bend, that limb better bend.

"I guess I'll walk around, maybe I'll get lucky and a hot chick would recognize just how truly amazing I am." Zoku pointedly ignored the officers snickering at his black eye and how mothers kept their children close to their side when they saw him. And he most _definitely_ didn't see those pair of middle school students cross the street so they didn't have to walk past him. Nope, that never happened.

Then, as he passed a particular store, he happened to glance through the front window and paused. "Do my eyes deceive me or is this a sweet shop?" Like any reasonable person, he pressed his face to the glass in an effort to see better. He ignored the startled plebeians who were feeding each other cake. "Holy shit! It is!" With a mighty leap backwards and narrowly missing bumping into a child, he ran into the store. Or, well, attempted to. As soon as he opened the door, he ran in bumping into something stopping his mad dash towards the savory, delicious food of the Heavens. Of course, because of his naturally terrible sense of balance, this caused him to fall, but because of the speed he was going at, it was more like he skidded across the floor.

But this did not deter our hero! He got up on all floors… only to slip as the floor was wet!

"...Ouch."

Zoku blinked. He didn't say that, and even if he _did_ (which is impossible because he was a _**manly man**_ ) it wouldn't be so emotionless and soft. Getting up more carefully this time he looked down and noticed that there was a little girl underneath him. She had white hair oddly enough and even stranger golden eyes. She also appeared to be wearing some weird type of clothing with like, a cape or something?

"...Pervert."

Our beloved protagonist suddenly realized he was on a little girl and got up. And like a proper gentleman he helped the girl up as well. "Sorry about that, I forgot you were there. You have some really weird clothes there, you cosplaying or something?" He shook his head. "They keep getting younger and younger…"

The little girl's eyebrow twitched. "...I'm a highschool student, pervert."

"Ah, that's what you're dressed up as? You shouldn't be in such a hurry to grow up you know, you should enjoy your carefree youth some more." Zoku nodded sagely, as if imparted an important piece of wisdom that would save the world from destruction. Or he just had an incredibly bloated ego. Either or. "Oh, you should also lengthen the skirt; you're still pretty young, you shouldn't go around dressing like that. This is Japan, you know? People here are really fucking kinky and shit. Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to curse around children."

She blinked. "...What?"

Then she looked down and her eyes narrowed. "...You squished my candy."

"What?" The teen looked at his now ruined shirt, which happened to be bedecked with an american flag with matching pants. "Oops. Sorry little girl, are your parents near by? I can explain what happened to them and they could buy you some more candy."

The girl's eyes narrowed even further. She then reached into her skirt and pulled out an student ID and nearly shoved it in his face.

Zoku blinked in surprise at what the plastic card told him. Or failed to tell him. "Er… little girl, I'm a foreigner. I can't read Japanese."

Her shoulders sagged slightly as she gave him an exasperated look.

"Well, due to unto others and all that crap, right? I'll buy you some more candy; it was kinda my fault that it got squished anyways."

If our amazing and mind bogglingly intelligent protagonist didn't know any better, he would've sworn the tiny girl preened at the idea.

"By the way, your English is pretty good… er, what's your name again?"

"Didn't give it."

"Well, then what is it?"

She only gave him an unimpressed, aloof stare, before turning away. "Whatever."

"Your name is Whatever? Damn, your parents must hate you. I guess that's why you're out gallivanting around like this. You know what? You can have some extra sweets. Maybe they'll distract you from your depressing homelife."

"N-next customer."

"Hey, you can order first, I still need to figure out which Japanese sweets can compare to the glory of American sweets that we've stolen from everyone else."

He could practically hear the young girl rolling her eyes. "Then it's not American glory, is it?" The 'dumbass' was implied at the end.

Zoku whipped his face to her direction. "You fool! That IS the glory of America! We conquer and claim our prize! We then inject all that is American into it! For example, diabetes and police brutality!"

The pretend high schooler proceeded to do her best impression of grumpy-cat and leaned away from Enlightenment, starting to actually look irritated by his wisdom. _The heathen._

"There you are, Koneko. I know you like your sweets, but the club president said that…am I interrupting something?"

Zoku blinked. "Koneko? That's a weird na-" the protagonist froze as pieces started to fit together. He looked at the white haired girl. Then turned to look at the blue eyed pretty boy who'd called out to her. "...Your name is Kiba isn't it?"

The pretty boy smiled and scratched the back of his head. "Ah, it seems you have me at a disadvantage here. You know my name and I don't know yours."

Zoku awkwardly laughed. "Err… I'm nobody important. Just a guy living in an interrogation room."

The blonde blinked. "What?"

Zoku's eyes then popped out in surprise and he pointed to something behind the young man. _"Oh shit look it's a distraction!"_

The two devils blinked in surprise at the exclamation and looked out of reflex. When they finally realized what he said, the young, handsome, dashing, majestic, and mysteriously mysterious person had already rushed out the door. _It was is as if no one was ever there~_

"FUCK MY SHOE FELL OFF!"

...Nevermind.

…

 _SLAM_

The giant doors that led into Kuoh's police station slammed shut and a scrawny teen leaned against the them, trying to catch his breath.

"Fuck that was close. Who knows what they would've done to me! ...Wait, what _would_ have they done to me?" The manliest of them all took a thinking pose and pondered about this incredibly difficult question.

"Oh well, what's done is done," he muttered, shrugging, "But fuck, Yume was right, I gotta start hitting the gym." Suddenly, he whipped his head back and forth as if uttering the she devil's name, it would summon her presence.

When it appeared that he was in the clear, he let out a sigh of relief.

"Well, let's go see if there's any idiots I can taunt in a holding cell." And off he went to the holding cell room.

…

"Hey Namida," Zoku greeted, strolling up to the officer in question, who was… playing a game?

" _NNNOOOO! THE SPOILERS!"_

" _LOOK AWAY!"_

" _I CAN'T! HE'S ALMOST TO THE H-SCENE! I CAN'T CALL MYSELF A MAN IF I LOOK AWAY NOW!"_

"Hey," the officer replied casually, seemingly ignoring the tortured screams if not for the smirk on his face.

Zoku peeked into the cells and saw three young males in similar clothing. One of them had a buzzcut and had beady eyes, the other two looked like stereotypical Japanese people except one of them wore glasses and the other one had his shirt open for a red shirt to be revealed to the world. All of them were crying. And slightly turned on.

But one of them noticed the peeking Zoku and pleaded with him.

"Oh! It's a savior! Please help us! We were just buying a game and it turned out to be the last one so he arrested us for it! We'll even let you borrow it after we're done with it! Promise!"

Zoku turned back to Namida playing what appeared to be the eroge-in-question and did what any sensible person would do in this situation. He plopped down next to Namida and started asking about the game.

" _YOU'RE JUST GOING TO IGNORE US!?"_

Namida let out a chuckle. "Oh I should do this more often."

Zoku let out a noise of agreement. "Want me to arrest them next time? We can claim that I'm learning how to become an officer if they file charges."

" _EHHH!? HE WAS A HIDDEN BOSS!?""_

Namida let out a snort. "Nah. We have an agreement with their parents, we can fuck around with their kids and in exchange we won't actually arrest them." He paused as he considered something. "Well, as long as they don't talk about it or do something _too_ bad."

" _Oi! What was that?! I think I just heard something incredibly shady!"_

"Wow. I didn't know being a cop could be so much fun!"

" _NO THAT'S NOT FUN! STOP! WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE!?"_

"Ahh… this is so relaxing, I think I'll take a nap."

" _OI!"_

 **AN: Wow, I updated so fast right? Damn, it was like at the speed of light. So, what are your thoughts on the chapter? Anything you want to say? C'mon, you know you want to. Oh and fun fact, I was going to have this take place while Koneko was still in middle school but I forgot so I just ran with it. That entire scene is unscripted. Well, actually my entire chapters are unscripted. I just have like a vague idea what to do, get distracted, talk to NorthSouth Gorem why my SI will always be better than his, etc.**

 **...I'm going to end this Author Note before I get too distracted.**


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